“Why do we allow the

medieval…” If nothing else it is the earliest known occurrence of Borlandbollocks.

The Jackdaw May 2008


The first and last, right and left, alpha and omega and top and bottom of Borlandbollocks in good old black and white… Here’s The Guardian’s Adrian Searle coming

on all contrasty about Peter Doig’s daubs: “In the centre of this faded and indeterminate iridescence, a sort of receding memory of place and colour, is a yellowish Rorschach inkblot on legs, with a body like a pressed flower or butterfly as much as it is like a bat. It is an absence and a presence, a mute apparition. It’s as though it stares back across the whole of Doig’s career, and appears to be both an end and a beginning.”

The Jackdaw May 2008


The Union Gallery in SE1 is a new one on us but their staff have obviously come through the Arts Council’s Fast-Track Bollocks NVQ with flying colours. “Abandoning the structural artifice inherent in narrative, Mike Marshall’s practice brings to the fore that which would normally inhabit perceptual peripheries, or be omitted entirely. Here, through sustained sensory engagement with half-registered moments in unspecific locations, the process of reception is distended, the viewer moving into a deeper, less
complacent, more physical relationship with what is seen and heard. Full reign [sic] is given to the implication that under certain perceptual circumstances what often appears to be ‘dead-air’, a non-event, or prolonged pause in the drama of reality, can become almost too intense: moments in which we are incontrovertibly invested in a reality anterior to language.”

The Jackdaw March 2007


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Following an extended period in the Bollocks wilderness, Milton Keynes Gallery return to the fold. Stephen Willats’s boring pseudo-sociology masquerading as art gets another

outing at public expense. Here is the latest official interpretation of what this superannuated idiot does: “At the heart of Willats’ practice is the encouragement of



Since its new director flounced in from the Tate, the Whitechapel has been beefy big on bollocks. Its current exhibition is part of an “ongoing programme strand”: “Shahin Affrasiabi highlights the importance of painting for all the sculptors in Early One Morning by displaying his ‘still lives’ of

household and industrial materials. Using pots of paint, carpets and slabs of aluminium, Afrassiabi evokes a history of abstraction and emphasises the constructed and and presented nature of all art.” bollocks. Meanwhile: “Claire Bailey combines notions of the organic and the
synthetic in her work. Materials such as thread, leather
and rubber are used for their plastic and aesthetic qualities as sculptural components in a return to abstraction, formalism and craft.” The person who dreamed
up this rubbish was on a roll … “Jim Lambie

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references popular culture, in particular music, in his work, drawing on the materials
of his everyday life. Using such ephemeral materials as record covers, safety pins and glitter, Lambie creates fetishistic artefacts and exquisite multi-coloured floors expands /* 9-970x90 */ the parameters that define space and form.” Honestly though, where would we be google_ad_width = 970; without the Blazwicks of this world blathering for Britain? The catalogue accompanying the show has one of those interviews with each artist, each page a wall of bollocks. Here’s another artist, Eva Rothschild: “I’m

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interested in un-systems of belief, non-systems, in how people move their ‘spiritual’ desires between different objects and traditions. Also how certain places and things can have a spiritual power which specific belief doesn’t necessarily /* xin2 */ exclude. I’m interested in the ways of looking that go with concepts of faith //--> and in how things are invested with a power above and beyond their materiality, the transference of spirituality on to objects. That’s where sculpture comes in, making something that seems to have something extra to what is physically there. I’m interested in thinking about why we feel an object has more than a material presence and in the idealism of belief.” She’s interested in so many things there’s 112 pages of this guff. Will anyone read all
112 of them? This is our conceptual nomination for this year’s Turner

Prize. Will anyone ever read all 112 pages?

The Jackdaw September 2002


We like this one not because it’s bollocks but because it includes three bollocks buzzwords, “investigates”, “questions” and “explores”. If they’d included “interrogates” and “subverts” they’ve have scored the artbollocks equivalent